Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Why Playboy Columnists Who Impose Their Cracked Sexual Fee-Fees Should Be Retired...Or Sent To A Really Pissed-Off Domme

Opinions on sex are like assholes, or so the saying goes....everyone has one.

And when you have access to a blog and too much free time on your hands, it's quite easy to put your opinions out there.

That's all fine and good...usually.

But when some folk decide that their opinions should be treated as edicts to be imposed on the public at large, or absolute truths which should be taken as the ultimate sage advice...then the shields of skepticism and BS firewalls need to be activated.

Often times, these new commisar wannabes attempt to mask their edicts in the guise of "humor", as in "Gee, I really didn't mean to impose my personal beliefs on you..even though I really do think that you should, for your own good heed my sage advice, since I get paid plenty bucks to dish it out!! Can't you take a joke??"

Ah....when it comes to demonizing one's personal sexual choices, dewd...hell to the no. That just isn't a laugh line.

Usually it's the typical "women's mags" like Cosmo or lad mags like MAXIM who attempt this nonsense of friendly policing of individual sexual choices.

You wouldn't expect it coming from a progressive magazine like Playboy, though...wouldn't you?? Yeah, right.

Which brings us to a column that appeared at Playboy's website by a supposed "sex guru" named John DeVore. His bio describes him as "a hack, troll, and bon vivant", and quotes his many writings for such outlets as CNN, Comedy Central, and the spoof site WhiteHouse.org.

Anyways, I guess that he must have some game in him for Playboy to pay him to run his smack on sexual matters.

This particular column was DeVore's attempt to use his "humor" to offer up his opinions on "The Top 10 Sex Acts That Should Be Retired"...namely, those popular sex act trends that he sees as overrated and destined for the dumpster.

Well...he's entitled to his opinion, and since he's getting paid for it, I guess he has Scoreboard...but that doesn't mean that moi can't point out where his opinions are a bit...shall we say, lacking in fact or disrespectful of choice.

And yes, Clones, I know that he intended this to be taken lightly....so is my response to be taken the same way.

I'll just go down the list, and offer my points in the fly.

Notice that he also gives for some of his "pointers" alternatives that he would prefer rather than those he maligns.....I'll comment on that, too.

1. Sex Act: Spanking
Why It Should Be Retired: Fine, a little ass slap never hurt anybody. But paddles? No, we will not bend over. And no you will not spank us. Why? Because we are grown-ass adults. We won’t sit in the corner, either. People who are obsessed with spanking are bringing their therapy into the bedroom. You know what you should bring into the bedroom? Your genitals.
Alternative Sex Act: Hair pulling. We’re not talking fistfuls of scalp. But a good, aggressive yank says pay attention and let’s bang it out better than any fey pat on the ass.

Right off the bat. Dewd: Grown-ass adults can and do get off on spanking...it is NOT the same as corporal punishment. Does the name Rachel Kramer Bussel ring your ears, fool??

Apparently, DeVore is one who only wants standard penile-vaginal sex with no frills, no roleplay, no accoutements, and none of those distractions that get in the way of his dick. Good for him..but I'd hate to be the woman who actually likes getting her ass reddened for pleasure who has to endure someone like him.

And..."hair pulling"??? Gee, Johnny....you mean, your hair pulled?? Because I'm sure that if you ever attempted to pull the hair of a woman against her will during the act of banging her, you'd probably get a kick in the crotch. And not in the sexy way, either.

2. Sex Act: Threesomes
Why It Should Be Retired: It’s the sexual equivalent of the buffet at the Golden Corral: If one chick is good, then two must be awesome, right? Wrong, Augustus Gloop. Having a spare is only necessary when it comes to tires, batteries and machine gun magazines. Most guys have enough problems pleasing one woman, and the entire threesome fantasy hinges on a self-deceiving ego trip. Two women do not make twice the man.
Alternative Sex Act: How about a “Giving One Woman an Orgasm-some.”

Oh, goodness...he's one of those "one-women men". Hey, Johnny, what's the problem....you lacking in YOUR pussy-licking skills that you can't even please your ONE woman?? What the hell would you do if your sweetie decided to invite another hot woman into the picture?? Or...would you just sit back and watch them get at it??

Or...maybe he's really afraid that his sweetie would come along and invite another MAN into the pic for a MMF threesome. Gee, that wouldn't be too threatening, wouldn't it??

Mr. DeVore probably must realize that the women featured in the magazine that pays his freakin' salary aren't just blow up dolls for his pleasure, right?? They do happen to be women with their own sexual needs and desires...and not all of those desires will fit so neatly into his perfect male template...'ya know?? But then again, I don't see any of the Playmates writing supposedly irreverent sex columns attempting to play "sex guru...they'd probably kick his ass.

3. Sex Act: Sex in the Shower
Why It Should Be Retired: Women love sex in the shower. They claim it’s sensual. This claim is highly disputable, since there’s nothing sensual about slipping, soap in the eyes or formerly hot water turning testicle-witheringly cold. Women like sex in the shower because they are all clean freaks. Sex is supposed to be dirty, stinky and sticky. It’s just part of the fun of the reproductive act.
Alternative Sex Act: Sex after the gym, when everything is super musky. Shower after.

Uhhhh..I don't know about you, but clean does add a lot to sex, doesn't it?? No, soap in the eyes isn't sexually arousing (but neither is cum in the eyes, either, and I didn't see DeVore attack facials as overrated anywhere here, didn't I?? And if DeVore finds the musty smell of raw football locker room that arousing...well, to each his fetish.

4. Sex Act: Handcuffs
Why It Should Be Retired: Handcuffs immediately recall the po-po, and there is nothing sexy about Johnny Law. Besides, is there any more hackneyed and unoriginal a fetish than wanting to shackle someone to a bed? It’s a control freak's go-to kink, but sex is already about losing control. Lighten up. Plus anything involving your being naked and a key is just a bad idea. We’re here to help you, T.J. Hooker.
Alternative Sex Act: If you must tie or be tied, try fruit leather straps, because you should be able to chew your way out of love restraints. Mmm, fruity deliciousness.

Ahhhh...no. Simply...no. You don't get it, Johnny. It's all about the restraint, about the relax and lose control and let the other person use you for your own pleasure. It's about being helpless to respond to all that (s)he's doing to you, and letting the response control you. Again, he acts like everyone wants to be the user, and forgets about the usee.

And no, leather straps won't quite work....leather isn't too tasty.

5. Sex Act: Brazilians
Why It Should Be Retired: It is not sexy to sleep with a woman whose vagina looks prepubescent. An airstrip? Fine. But squeaky like a dolphin? Not so much. Some might argue that it’s more hygienic, but they are wrong. You know what’s hygienic? Soap and water. The very act of even getting a Brazilian is full-on medieval…so much torturous ripping. There is no point in mutilating your beautiful ladyflower.
Alternative Sex Act: Ladies, let your 1970s jungle bush bloom.

Oh, Goddess, another full bush freak. Look, Johnny, not all of us want to fish bush hairs out of our teeth following a session of muff diving...and women aren't only going full-on bald. I prefer a landing strip, myself.

And try asking those who have done Brazilians about their experience before you run your "torture" smack...they may even say that the "torture" was part of the pleasure.

And Hell to the no, having a bald pussy does not turn a MILF into an prepubescent, nor does it turn her partner into a silent peodphile.

6. Sex Act: Road Head
Why It Should Be Retired: Why it’s sexy to get a blow job while operating heavy machinery is utterly baffling. Is it a rush, the ability to drive a car while getting serviced? It’s a nice gesture on her part, but you don’t need to be that relaxed while hurtling through traffic at 55 miles an hour. Concentrate so you don't wrap your car around any poles—she can wrap her lips around yours later.
Alternative Sex Act: Church parking lot head. It’s safer and sacrilegious. Naughty!

Now, that one I can somewhat agree with.....kinda hard to concentrate on the road when, say, Sara Jay is dropping her lipstick all over your balls. Which is why all good road headers ultimately finish the act on the side of the road. Then again..how else to get through bumper-to-bumper stop-and-go traffic?? And what's to say that it has to be the freakin' driver getting his hummer on..that's why God and the Goddess invented back seats, you know.

As for the alternative of church parking lots.....OK, pretty naughty, but also a hell of a lot more risky. Cops do tend to patrol churches, you know.

7. Sex Act: Flavored Sexual Lubricant
Why It Should Be Retired: If we wanted to go down on a slice of strawberry shortcake, we'd stick our tongues into an actual slice of strawberry shortcake. Short of that, we're fans of woman-flavor, and we don’t need salves to poorly fool us otherwise.
Alternative Sex Act: If you really desire some other taste when crunching it, try actual condiments. Or gravy.

On the one hand, I can see how flavored lube can cut into the taste of natural woman juice for those who prefer that. On the other hand, though..better sweet and safe than just plowing into a dry pussy.

But, using real condiments for lube??? Hey, Johnny, are you going to pay the medical costs for her subsequent yeast infection afterwards??

8. Sex Act: Role Playing
Why It Should Be Retired: If you wanted to date Little Red Riding Hood, you should have gone to the magical forest rather than the club to meet women. And what’s the deal with sexy nurses? Is there such a thing as a sexy hospital? No. Role playing is a sign that one of you wants to sleep with other people. When we look into the eyes of someone we’re sleeping with, we want to see them, not the eyes of a mentally-ill loonybird method actor.
Alternative Sex Act: Wear funny hats instead. We’ll put on this magician's top hat, you can wear the Native American feather headdress.

Oh, lighten the fuck up, Johnny. Sex is performance as much as it is intimate..and why the hell shouldn't partners freshen the mood a bit by playing fun and sexy roles on occasion?? And Native American headdresses aren't too common for regular folk these days.

9. Sex Act: Candle Wax
Why It Should Be Retired: Hot wax and nipples do not mix. For that matter, neither does any kind of open flame within a three-foot radius of male junk. We like emo Goth chicks as much as the next guy, and are not averse to a little nipple nibbling. But candles? Hot wax? Did we commit a crime? Can’t we just blare the Cure instead? Hot wax is to sex what stabbing your tongue with a fork is to dinner.
Alternative Sex Act: If a little pain is totally necessary, how about you let us decorate your body with band-aids. Then pull.

Dewd...if someone expert in candle play even brings the candle within three feet of your dick, she's probably doing it wrong. Candle wax may sting a little, but it's relatively harmless compared to other things. What a wimp.

And the finale:

10. Sex Act: Handjobs
Why It Should Be Retired: Unfortunately, when hooking up, we are not hiding from teachers underneath the bleachers. So give up the handjob, and let’s get down to some serious business. This is not a reflection on your patented technique—It’s just that we’re not in your parent’s basement, and it’s a little lazy too. While we’re talking about this, we’re going to cancel ye olde fingerbang too.
Alternative Sex Act: Penis in the vagina.

Oh, I get it....so even if a woman isn't in the mood to have your dick stuffed in her pussy every single damn time, that's too freakin' bad....we aren't for any stinkin' handplay. Yeah...with that attitude, unless you happen to have a harem and own two ships named Tits 1 and Tits 2, you probably won't even get P/V sex, either. Nice sexism there...you sure you were only kidding??

Me thinks that a trip to Gloria Brame's dungeon is long over due this whackoid. Or better yet, let him experience one session of Brittany Andrews...I'm sure that he will find a new respect for women's (and men's) sexual tastes.